I found myself wondering two different things recently. First, why is it that no matter how tough the bristles on the scrubber side of the mop are, and no matter how briskly you rub, your finger nail works much better at lifting that little piece of melted cheese from the floor? Why not make the scrubber side of the mob out of Lee Press-on Nails?
Second, and this is the kind of thought you think when you’re mindlessly mopping, has there ever been a dopier song than 1968’s “Honey,” by Bobby Goldsboro? “Honey” was at the top of the Billboard charts for 5 weeks about his time 43 years ago, and is one of those tear-jerker, my-wife-died-and-now-I’m-lonely songs, but with a really weird twist. The song’s narrator is, without a doubt, the most insensitive jackass who ever lived in any 3 minutes and 55 seconds of any pop song anywhere. The woman, “Honey,” who is the subject of the song, would have been better off married to Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.
Anyway, the narrator/singer laughs at Honey for planting a tree, then rushes outside to brush the snow off the tree for fear that it will die. She runs back inside where she “slipped and almost hurt herself” whereupon the narrator—her husband—“laughed till I cried.” What? Even as an 11 year-old hearing this song, I imagined this jackass standing over this poor woman sprawled on the kitchen linoleum in a snowy puddle, laughing at her misery. It’s not her fault that she slipped, and it’s not her fault that she apparently had very little arboreal training since most trees are designed to withstand the snow, but that’s no excuse for his behavior. So anyway, Husband treats Honey pretty badly for about two years after the tree incident, and then she up and dies. Again, at 11, I always imagined that it was from complications from that fall, and now Husband feels lonely.
If you’ve never heard this song before, or if you are a masochist, I present “Honey,” complete with the lyrics and Bobby Goldsboro’s hair. Don’t listen to this while you mop because you might turn the mop on yourself and try to scrub your ears off.