The auto-correct on my phone has officially gone insane. I tried to swipe in will as in “Will you be at Friday’s dance?” In fact I DID swipe in will, but my Samsung spit out, “Eukaryotic you be at Friday’s dance?”

I’m not kidding. I don’t even know enough to make up this word and I certainly didn’t know that it was a real word until I looked it up, (actually, Vonnie Jenkins looked it up) so you can be sure it is not an example concocted for this post.

I have many intelligent friends, and I bet 99% of them never heard that word, but there it is floating around in our phones as if we’re going to strike up an Instant Message conversation about organisms composed of one or more cells containing visibly evident nuclei and organelles. Furthermore, I now know that an organelle is not that thing that the organ grinder plays while the monkey dances, although it should be, so I’ve actually learned something.

I am curious, however, about the conversation at the Auto-Correct Factory that resulted in eukaryotic being included as a possible choice for will

“Hey, Bob, if you swipe your finger across w-i-l-l, what would be a good alternate, just in case the person didn’t mean will? Well? Still?”

“What, are you crazy? If they don’t mean will they must mean eukaryotic.”

“You mean you karaoke?”

“Pffftt, nobody talks about singing in bars. It’s either will or a conversation about a eukaryote.”

“You’re the boss.”

Sometimes when I swipe in really I get freaky. Once, when I swiped really, I got traktor, which is not a word relating to organisms with one or more cells nor even a Russian version of tractor. In fact, if you look it up, IT’S NOT A WORD AT ALL!

Is the Suggestions Division at the Auto-Correct Factory where the malcontents work?

“Hey, what’s another word for really?”

“Just put down traktor and leave me alone. I’m watching porn on the company computer over here.”

I wrote about auto-correct idiocies back in November, but I swear the problem is getting worse. This morning—and again, I am NOT kidding—I swiped I’ll and the phone put down Oklahoma. My finger wasn’t even on the keyboard long enough to mean Idaho, much less Oklahoma, but at least Idaho begins with the same letter as I’ll.

The one that constantly annoys me is the phone substituting fit for for. I realize that i and o, as well as r and t are juxtaposed on the key board, but I’m guessing that the Auto-Correct Factory has no sense of common usage and, therefore, does not realize that in the average English conversation, we use for maybe 20-30 times MORE OFTEN then we use fit, and that even if you mean fit, it really ought to come up for just on general probabilities.

If any of you should ever hear that I have died of a stroke, you can be pretty sure that I went down clutching my phone which should have read, “Will you really do that for me?” but the screen will show, “Eukaryotic traktor that fit me?” At that point, I wouldn’t have wanted to live anyway. Just don’t bury me in Idaho or Oklahoma come back to haunt you.