I have always believed that the degree to which any people are civilized is in direct, inverse proportion to the number of laws it has. Simply put, good people don’t really need many laws to tell them how to behave. Nevertheless, if I become Emperor (why stop at King?) here are five laws that I will decree immediately:
- As everyone is in way too much of a hurry these days, everyone will be required to mosey between the hours of 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. as well as from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. That gives you 10 hours to hurry, which I might point out is counter-productive, but I understand that old habits are hard to break. Meandering is an acceptable alternative to moseying.
- Modern automobiles are technological marvels, able to guide themselves, park themselves, and drive themselves. We’ve come a long way from seat belts being an option and a glove box full of improperly folded maps, but I will mandate another piece of standard equipment. Under my reign, automobiles will also come with an onboard howitzer which will automatically fire a warning shot across the hood of any idiot who believes that the word yield means “I’m going to ignore you while I drive parallel with you and then give you the finger when you didn’t get out of my way, even though there is a tractor-trailer on your left.” As I mentioned, the warning shot will be fired automatically, but there will be a manual override in order to lower the shell’s trajectory. Educators call this a “teachable moment.” Actually, if people glean the benefits from the Mosey Law, the Learn the Meaning of Yield Law will most likely prove unnecessary. (See how laws decrease as folks become more civilized i.e. considerate of one another?)
- All toast must be cut into triangles and not rectangles. It just tastes better that way. Period. Clearly, too many restaurants do not understand this, and so the Triangle Toast law will go on the books. How you cut your toast in the privacy of your own home, however, is none of the Emperor’s business, even if you do it wrong.
- Ever go to a sporting event and hear some patron of the game yell, “My grandmother could hit that pitch!” (or whatever the sport and whatever it is that any given grandma could do better?) Hence forth, from the start of my Emperoring, anyone who yells such a thing will have to immediately produce his grandmother, who will then have to complete the “offending” player’s at-bat. This will benefit society in two ways: First, perhaps these people will learn that we might want to go easy on judging other people’s failures, and second, Grandma will make an appearance in a professional game and that is pretty cool.
- Finally, if you send your parents a cryptic text or instant message; or if you suggest in your Facebook status that some undescribed tragedy has befallen you and you do not immediately provide the details to the people who love you, you will be arrested. You will be arrested and returned to junior high school where you will be given a second chance to grow up, because that childish nonsense has to stop.
I am sure that there are other decrees that will improve our lives that I have overlooked; therefore, please feel free to suggest them to me, your Emperor-To-Be.