I recently bought a replacement battery for my laptop and I happened to glance through a small foldout entitled, User Manual. There, I came across some admonitions that I did not think needed to be put in writing, chief among which was “Never hammer a nail into the battery pack.”

?

I understand that these batteries come in different sizes for the various laptops on the market, but is there really someone out there who, upon finding that his battery doesn’t quite fit his laptop, decides that it would be a good idea to nail the thing in place?

Even worse is the fact that it can’t just be one person who believes that nailing the battery is a good idea, because if it was just one person, the manufacturer wouldn’t have to devote a section in the User Manual to informing people that nailing the battery is a no-no. Apparently, there’s an entire subset of people who practice some form of computer carpentry.

This same paragraph also tells me not to “hit a hammer on the battery pack” and to “never step or tread on the battery pack.” I have to admit that I’ve wanted to fix my computer with a hammer a time or two, but I’ve never thought about stepping or treading on the battery. Those cookies on the top shelf are too high to reach, but maybe if I stepped up on this laptop battery I’ll be able to snag ‘em. That could just be me, though.

Of course, I’ve never thought about throwing “the battery pack into fire” nor exposing “the battery pack to liquid.” I would certainly never think of exposing the battery pack to alcoholic liquid as I can only imagine the havoc that a tipsy battery pack could wreak on my files.

Well, what have we learned from the User Manual for my new laptop battery? We have learned two things, I think. First, never hammer a nail into your battery; and second, no matter what dumb things we may do on a given day, we’re not as dumb as the guy who needs to be told not to hammer a nail into his battery pack. Oh, and put down the staple gun as I’m sure the warning against stapling, riveting, and using screws to hold the battery in place are implied.